


The Gattai

by Zerrat



Series: Other Side of a Saber's Edge [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XIII, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
Genre: Anime References, Battlefield, Comedy, Community: ff_land, Crack, FF/Non-FF Crossover, Fusion Dance, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-13
Updated: 2012-03-13
Packaged: 2017-11-01 21:43:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/361589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zerrat/pseuds/Zerrat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fal’Cie Dahaka has an unfair advantage, Snow decides, so he’s going to even the playing field! Gurren Lagann parody, crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gattai

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the request, _FF13: Okay, I have to ask. Can I have whiny!Hope or peptalk!Snow fic? The more annoying and hilarious, the better! Particularly if Lightening gets to smack some people around._

The smoke had cleared from Sazh’s latest Firaga blast, and Lightning cursed as she realized that Dahaka still lived. She forced herself to pick up the pace as she sprinted along beside the fal’Cie, not even thinking anymore as she launched Ruin after Ruin in Dahaka’s direction. Almost contemptuous of her efforts, the fal’Cie swooped up through the acrid smoke and away again, ploughing through the tower top that Vanille had been standing on just moments ago.

_Thank Eden for Fang’s Vanille-paranoia,_ Lightning decided as she ducked under the Fira spell that Sazh cast in Dahaka’s direction, still heading for the fal’Cie’s blindside. _That fool of a girl would have been out for the count, otherwise._

A quick glance over her shoulder told her that Fang was already reprimanding her sister for inattention, but Lightning was airborne now as she launched herself towards the fal’Cie. She felt her blade scrape along metal, crystal and stone, and she rolled as she landed behind the god machine. Snow reached out to steady her, almost automatically. His expression actually looked worried for once – maybe the impossible did happen.

She couldn’t blame him, though, because they’d been fighting the belligerent and territorial fal’Cie for the past gruelling half hour. How much more was it going to take to bring Dahaka down? If they failed their journey here, then-

She heard Snow swear in frustration as one of his massive Blizzaga spells missed its mark again. Lightning’s irritation with the man spiked. Perhaps, if Blizzaga wasn’t working for the tenth time in this battle, he could try one of the smaller spells, instead? Pushing her annoyance aside, she sent a blast of Thunder towards Dahaka, and smirked as the spell found a mark on the god machine’s head.

“Sis! This isn’t working!” Snow ground out, as he darted in front of Hope to protect him from a stray missile of magic. “This thing is too big and there’s too much at stake!”

“I know. We don’t exactly have any other options, other than to fight,” Lightning told him, sending a flurry of healing magic in his direction. “We knew this was coming.”

“No other options…” Snow trailed off, his jaw jutting stubbornly as Hope applied another round of Shells and Protects, his blue eyes fixed on the segmented form of the fal’Cie as Fang launched a devastating Highwind on it. “That can’t be _right,_ Sis.”

“What exactly can we do, Snow?” Hope demanded, sounding out of breath from all the running and the magical drain. “Even an Eidolon wouldn’t be able to take this Fal’Cie!”

Snow’s eyes widened suddenly, and Lightning wondered what the man had just figured out. The man slammed a fist into the palm of his open hand, as he often did when he was excited over some idiotic idea he’d decided on. Ride the Adamantoroise, tame a Behemoth, or maybe attempt to reprogram old Pulsian militia – more often than not, Snow’s ideas ended in blood, screaming and catastrophic failure.

In short – Lightning had a bad feeling about this.

“Alright! That’s it!” Snow declared loudly, suddenly grinning like a maniac as his fierce blue eyes tracked Dahaka’s flight-path. The fal’Cie was circling them menacingly, but seemed to be holding off attacking for now. “It’s time to even out the playing field!”

_What’s he up to now?_ Lightning thought, and her stomach plummeted as the man just turned and grabbed Hope’s shoulder in a powerful grip, dragging him closer.

Hope looked more than a little confused by the sudden change in Snow’s tactics and demeanour, as he stammered, “W-wait, Snow, what the hell are you –”

“I’ve decided something!” Snow told them all in a clear and loud voice that seemed to carry over the chaos of the fighting. There was a feverish look to his eyes now, a zealous flame that hadn’t been there before. Berserker, Lightning decided on the spot. Not good. “It isn’t all that fair, a multi-segmented fal’Cie against single l’Cie and Eidolons! So I figured it out, and this is what we’re gonna do, Hope!”

Hope seemed to have noticed the strange look in Snow’s eyes too, because he started to struggle against Snow’s grasp. “Wait, Snow –”

Snow didn’t let the boy finish, and thrust his finger skywards in a pose that seemed both ridiculous and intimidating all at once. Lightning raised an eyebrow, entirely unimpressed by the show the man was putting on. Exactly what was Snow playing at?

“We’re gonna combine our Eidolons, into the sickest and most awesome fighting machine to ever grace Gran Pulse, you hear me?!”

“We’re going to combine?” Hope asked vaguely, openly staring at Snow now, as if the man had just grown another three heads.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Lightning’s voice was completely deadpan as she shot Snow a quelling look, one that the man seemed to be doing a fine job of ignoring. Tch. So he was that determined to go through with this, then?

From across the battlefield, though, Lightning heard Sahz demand, “You’re going to _what?”_

“They’re gonna combine?” Vanille squeaked out as she stared in their direction, her Death spell completely forgotten as she gaped at Snow and Hope. Eden, Lightning could see her blush all the way from here.

“Whoo boy,” Sazh muttered as he sprinted to Lightning’s side, perhaps thinking that he could help her avert the inevitable tragedy that was going to occur. Fang and Vanille were hot on his heels, and the three skidded to a halt beside her.

Lightning crossed her arms against her chest, shaking her head curtly when Sazh and Fang looked to her questioningly. No, she wouldn’t break this moronic behaviour up, because whatever it was that Snow planned, it was sure to be a… learning experience for all of them. The inevitable blood and screaming aside.

But Snow was continuing with his fiery rant, thrusting his finger towards where Dahaka floated above the tower. Perhaps it, also, couldn’t believe what idiocy was transpiring, Lightning noted sourly.

“So listen up! Up on Cocoon, the reputation of Team NORA stretches far and wide –”

_But **not** for the reasons you’d like it to be for, Snow…_

“-and when they talk about the awesome guy that runs that whole operation, well, no points for guess that it’s _me_ who they’re on about! Snow Villiers, leader of Team NORA and the burning soul of this here group of l’Cie! He’s a man who has forged his heart in the fires of adversity and come out laughing in the face of danger, in the face of the fal’Cie, and even in the face of Fate itself! Together with his team of miracle-makers-”

_Miracle makers?_ Lightning quirked an eyebrow again as Sazh snorted in amusement. _Well, I guess he can have points for practicality._

“-we aren’t gonna look back, we aren’t gonna falter and we sure as hell aren’t gonna regret! There isn’t anything that’s gonna stand in our way as we defy our Focus and save Cocoon – not even some multi-faceted goon such as the likes of you!”

Snow clapped Hope hard on the shoulder, his grin somehow becoming even more ferocious as he looked down at the boy. “So, Dahaka! Just who the hell do you think we are?! Now, Hope, this is it! Let’s do it!”

“Uh, all right…” Hope mumbled, still looking thunderstruck as he nodded.

It wasn’t going to work, of course. This plan was going to end in tears, but like she thought before. It would be a learning experience. Maybe Hope would learn to stop going along with Snow’s ore boneheaded plans, and perhaps Snow would stop having them altogether. Dahaka or no, some things just had to be learned the hard way.

As the two produced their eidoliths, Snow looked over to where Lightning, Sazh, Fang and Vanille were watching, and winked.

Unamused and unconvinced by his bravado, Lightning told the other l’Cie in a low voice, “Just be ready to jump in when they crash and burn.”

The two idiots broke their crystals open – and then, as one, they smashed the remains of their eidoliths together before either the Shiva Sisters or Alexander could begin to manifest. There was a deafening silence, as a gust of wind howled across the top of Taejin’s Tower. Hope was wincing, probably from the fragments of crystal now lodged in his hand. Snow looked confused.

Huh. She’d expected more flashing lights and long-winded transformation sequences, since apparently she’d woken up this morning in a shonen anime.

Stepping forwards, and smacking both Snow and Hope upside the heads, Lightning sighed and levelled her blazefire saber at the fal’Cie Dahaka.

“So, back to the original battle plan, then?” she asked the group of l’Cie, and was satisfied when Snow and Hope, still wincing from the smack to their heads and the blow to their pride, nodded quickly. Well, at least they wouldn’t be trying that ridiculous stunt again. Though she had to admit that Snow’s speech _had_ been somewhat inspiring…

Dahaka began to circle them hungrily again, and with that the battle had resumed.


End file.
